Well, although I do my best to stave off the ravages of time, I occasionally find myself having a premature senior moment. Perhaps some brain training in Dutch is what I need. It’s not that I have a memory like a sieve – een geheugen als een zeef or als een garnaal – “as a shrimp”.

Perhaps I should be more mindful, though I wouldn’t get much done if I had to pause at every corner to absorb the scene.

So I bought a book. That always seems half the battle. I soon discover there is hope: “iedere gezonde mens beschikt over evenveel gram hersenen – each healthy person has the same amount of brains”.

How good our memory is depends on how we use our brains: “je kan je hersenen vergelijken met je spieren – you can compare your brains with your muscles”. This is beginning to sound like work: “hoe meer je die gebruikt – the more you use them”; yes I’m sure you can complete this: “hoe meer je er van krijgt – the more you get from them”. The words “gain” and “pain” are appearing before me.

First the pain. Exercise one: “je wil bijvoorbeeld de hele kalender van 2010 uit de hoofd leren – for example, you want to learn the whole calendar of 2010 by heart”. Wait a second, why would anyone want to do that? If I need to know what day 19 October is, then I flick through my diary. Imagine the effect if someone mentions that date and you chirp in with “als mijn geheugen mij niet bedriegt is het een dinsdag – if my memory serves me well, it’s a Tuesday”.

Though, as my book suggests, “zou het niet leuk zijn om aan je vrienden te demonstreren hoe bijzonder jij wel bent – would it not be fun to show your friends how special you are”. Well, it might fill in some time after the Christmas turkey, but you might still get some funny looks.

I’ve just spent a precious part of 2010 reading through the instructions to commit 2010 to memory. Now I read that if I didn’t get it the first time, I should read it “nog eens – once more”: and encouragingly, “oefening baart kunst – practice makes perfect”.

No, alas, this book will find a place besides the other tomes that promised to strengthen my grey cells, to gather dust. I’ll go along with the boffins this time and speak as much Dutch as I can as insurance for a memorable old age.