Recently in Mechelen 70 bellende bestuurders veschenen voor de rechter – 70 phoning drivers were forced to appear before the judge. A special gsm-zitting – mobile phone sitting of the court had been arranged for these drivers who had ignored the law on phonedriving. They had rejected een minnelijke schikking – an out-of-court settlement of €100.

This creates images of mass show trials in the good old USSR. Was there a cage set up to hold the 70? Had they all been shorn? Probably not. In any case, they each had their day in court to explain why they didn’t deserve to be fined. The excuses bear testimony to our inventiveness when we’re caught out. The judge must have had a hard time keeping a straight face.

Ik had de gsm maar twee seconden vast – I only had the mobile in my hand for two seconds; the trouble with two seconds is that it’s as long as a piece of string. Ik heb niet met mijn gsm gebeld, kijk naar de factuur – I didn’t phone with my mobile, look at the bill; I suppose he was photographed by the police. If not, he may have got off. Ik heb hooguit vijftig meter gereden – I drove 50 metres at most; that driver should be fined for laziness. Ik had helemaal geen gsm vast, ik zat gewoon met mijn hand tegen mijn oor – I wasn’t holding a mobile at all, I was just sitting with my hand against my ear; if true, it seems that Mechelen’s finest were keen to make up their numbers.

Those that got off were in the minority: most ended up having to pay a €150 fine.

Of course it’s no joke. You can often recognise the phonedriver by their driving style. Vier op tien gsm’ers ziet de verkeersborden niet – four in 10 phone-drivers don’t see the traffic signs. And one in 10 vergeet voorrang te verlenen – forgets to give way, which, if you have spent any time behind a wheel here, you’ll know is asking for trouble.

Not that things are going to change much. I see the joys of the BlackBerry are being incorporated into cheaper GSMs: BlackBerry voor het volk – BlackBerry for the people." Lucky people.